Oh foul demons of the infernal pit…

I just wanted to take a moment to vent about my utter loathing towards some of the little creatures I find in our basement. Now that winter weather is upon us I have found a small variety of little beasties lurking in the crevices of our humble abode. Now…the good, and bad, news is that these little visitors aren’t in the clearly obvious places. Good because I don’t really know they are there most of the time and bad because…I don’t really know that they are there most of the time. For example, yesterday I was doing my bi-weekly vacuum and I decided to be a bit more thorough and took the hose to several inconspicuous nooks and crannies and found some not-so-lovely and oh-so-gruesome little crawlies. Although I am no household pest expert I believe we are slowly being invaded by a small variety of earwigs, pill bugs and firebrats. What’s a firebrat you ask? Well, I found out because after I discovered a particularly gross looking fella, I asked a question to a helpful on-line pest man who replied by saying, “Dear Emily - It sounds like you might have silverfish or firebrats, wingless primitive insects in the order Thysanura that sometimes can be household pests.” My response: umm…gross!! Immediately upon reading such a descriptive word I began to conger up a horrific image of some rotten mignon born of the fiery flame who has decided to live under my bed and wait for the perfect moment to leap out and make me feel a little violated. Seriously, I don’t want it under my bed!

Anyway, in all seriousness, the word “invaded” is probably too strong but none the less, the beasties are still NOT welcome AND, although I have been speaking of the other little gross creatures I found, I have still not mentioned the most horrifying of them all…the spider. The spider (in any variety) is my Superman’s Lex Luther, Sampon’s Delilah or John McCains Barak Obama. I hate them, the spider is my arch nemesis and here are a few reasons why:

1. They are creepy. Seriously, multiple eyes…multiple legs, they can jump or crawl really, really fast…towards you!!! C’mon, that is creepy.
2. Their diet consists of bugs. That’s all they eat, not leaves or grass or other variety of plant. No, instead they eat each other or other hard working members of their society. Cannibals!
3. They are sneaky. Yep, they can hide in very inconspicuous places such as your drawer, your bed sheets, your shoes…all the while waiting for you to stumble upon them AND when you do…they attack.
4. I think they smell fear. Yep, there have been not one, not two, but SEVERAL occasions where I found one lurking in some dark corner and I (typically) stand frozen with fear. When this happens, what does it do? It stares back, trying to break me down and then it begins to hastily scuttle towards me. TOWARDS me? I mean, if they really are “more frightened of me” like everyone says, don’t you think it would run AWAY? Just a thought
5. They have fangs. Let’s take a moment and think about what else have fangs: snakes, piranhas, leopards, vampires, chiwawas…not exactly the kinds of things you want to snuggle up to.
6. They use their fangs to poison things. Yeah…as if biting wasn’t enough, they have to inject flesh eating poison too.
7. They stink. Alright…I have never actually sniffed one, but I’m convinced that I would not be met with pleasant smells if I were ever to take a little whiff.
8. They make webs. Ingenious…maybe I will give them that, but it still makes me feel gross because it clutters the place, and it catches bugs.
9. They way they move. Depending on the kind, they can jump (sometimes up to ten times their own height), scuttle, scurry, jerk, fling their body through the air, swing, crawl, stalk or crouch but you never use words like saunter or stroll when describing how a spider moves.
10. They are ugly. I mean…sorry but when it come to the best looking bugs out there, the spider is by far on the lower end of the tottempole.

Well, there you have it…I don’t like bugs in general, but I HATE spiders. Need any more reasons? Check this out...see what I mean? Only a face that a mother could love, right? Maybe if your mom was some kind of beast from the flaming pit of eternal doom...that's what I think.