Epiphany

Parenting is hard. Joyful, wonderful, special, spiritual, etc...yes, all that too, but it is also a painful enigma in many ways. Certainly a challenging way to grow and learn things and stress yourself to the limits in ways you never thought possible. Thousands upon thousands of people have expressed (much more eloquently I might add) similar sentiments throughout time. I've heard these things most of my life. However, it's totally different when you are in the drivers seat (at least for me). Experiencing parenthood brings these ageless sentiments to such heart wrenching reality that I find myself bursting into tears (quite often these days). It's good and bad...total joy & peace and well...ermmm....imagine the total opposite. The majority of my days are spent loving being a mom, feeling like although I don't really know what I'm doing, I'm at least doing an ok job. I mean, Andrew hasn't died yet, right? I've kept him alive, he is happy, healthy, loved...yes, I may be flying by the seat of my pants but at least I'm still holding onto the magic carpet.

Then Andrew turned 2.

Suddenly I have moments (with increasing frequency)where the magic carpet kicks me off and leaves me stranded in the middle of a dessert as it hastily waves goodbye and shouts, "Good luck with that..."

WAIT! What the...oh no!!!!!

Andrew has really been having issues with tantrums and figuring out how best to handle them have been like trying to tame a Death Valley brush fire. At first I tried ignoring it. My thinking, "Heck, kid, you can scream all you want but I'm not going to let you think it will make a difference on me." Problem was I let it get personal, it did make a difference on me, got me all angered and upset and--man, after about 25 minutes of non-stop screaming, I hit my breaking point and then stopped the ignoring. At that point I would just be oober upset so I'd pick him and slop him on down in his crib, then storm out of the room and slam the door.(And yes, ashamedly even add in a few angry words that may perhaps rhyme with schmut lup...or worse.)It didn't take me long to learn this was NOT. EFFECTIVE. All that was gained by this was a mom who lost her temper and a little boy who was now more confused by what I was doing. It only sent him on a downward tailspin thus causing his screams to reach new pitches of shrill, putting fat opera lady to shame!

So I have been trying new approaches--all kinds of variations. (Doing everything in my power to refrain from spanking, not a believer in it. Plus, I admit that I have done it a few times out of anger it accomplished nothing...nothing accept make me feel like the scum of the earth.)However, it's only been in the last two days that I finally think I've found a good balance. And it started with an experience I had about a week ago.

Many of you know I am 6 months pregnant and thus my hormones are spinning around like the wheel of fire. I was having a particularly bad day...Andrew had just won a battle (by my standards) after about 45 minutes of a raging temper tantrum. I had lost my temper pretty bad and I was feeling very energy deprived, very down about my mothering abilities and terrified that another one is on the way. I can't do this?!?! I CAN'T DO THIS! I am rubbish...a failure.. Can any of you relate to feeling like that sometimes? Anyway, it was one of those days where little had got accomplished around the house and I just felt like I was a horrible mother and a lazy nobody.

Well soon after Andrew finally settled down, I looked at the clock and realized I needed to mail something at the post office and only had 15 minutes until it closed. I told Andrew we needed to go outside for a walk, something he normally LOVES, but this time he didn't want to. Great...here comes another tantrum, I could feel it blowing in. I thought of a quick way to diffuse the situation. BRIBES. I had been letting him snack on a few peanuts and so I told him we could take some with us if he came on a stroller ride with me. He liked that idea so I ran with the opportunity. Now, if any of you mothers out there are gasping in disbelief let me please say that I know peanuts aren't the safest things for little children to eat. Definitely chokable size but, it was a really rough day and I had to pick my battles. I just couldn't do another tantrum and I HAD to get to the post office. Therefore I didn't really care and Andrew happily held a small bag of choking-hazard peanuts while I briskly walked-wobbled to the post office.

Thankfully we made it just in time. I could tell that the post lady was a littler perturbed that I came in 5 minutes before closing but she still helped me figure out the best way to send my package and was decently patient with my ignorance over the Scottish way of doing things. Anyway, while I was writing out the address label a realized a few other people had come in at the last minute and were waiting behind me. I got out of the way and just as I was finishing up my writing I hear Andrew make a gagging sound. Oh CRAP! I look down and see that he had put one too many peanuts in his mouth and so I immediately started to smack his back. Breath child, BREATH! Well it really wasn't that big of a risk, it took one swat to get it out but boy did I feel guilty. But I also got what I deserved because as soon as the offending peanut shot out...so did the rest of his lunch. Serious, projectile peanut and cheese sandwich goo EVERYWHERE. I thought quickly and had placed both my hands out in an attempt to catch the mess. Problem was, once it stopped I was stuck...now what do I do? I stood there for a few dumbfounded seconds looking from my package to my hands to the perturbed lady at the counter (who now wore a look of disdain) and then back to my hands. Thank goodness I had a blanket in the bottom of the stroller. I reached down and cleaned everything up the best I could but it was nasty, folks, real nasty.

When I had mercifully wiped things away the best I could, I finally noticed that there was small audience gathered around to witness the mess...I felt like a complete idiot. However, I managed to compose myself and I finished the package and got it sent, however I had delayed the closing time by 6 minutes and I could tell post lady wasn't liking it. I rushed to get out of there and was happy to see that all my audience, with the exception of one little grandma lady had left.

"Excuse me" she said

"Yes?" I replied, thinking maybe she was going to tell me that I dropped something in all the chaos. NOPE...

"I just think you should know that it is not recommended to give children his age peanuts. They can choke."

Friggin...stupid...woman...REALLY?!?! You think?!? However I responded by mumbling
"Yes, I do know...he normally does quite well with peanuts. Guess I was wrong today, ha, ha..."

Lady looks at me sternly, "You know it's especially bad letting children eat peanuts whilst in a buggy. With all that bumping it can really be dangerous."

I suddenly imagined myself pulling her snotty tweed hat right off her head and throwing it into the nearby street, after which I smartly flick her in the nose and walk away. But all I said was, "Um...thanks for the concern. But I do understand what you are saying." She retorted with,

"Well, it is a bad sign of mothering if you KNOW these things and still DO them."

At this point I was dumbfounded. Who was she?!?! She literally stayed around to chastise my mothering when she knew nothing, NOTHING, about who I am or where I was coming from. Did she really think she was being helpful?!?! What would possess a person to speak to a stranger this way? Well, let me tell you that some very unkind and very unchristian thoughts entered my mind. I just stared at her for a moment as I contemplated all the things I wanted to say. I wished I had a bucket of water...I would dowse her in it and laugh hysterically as she melted away. But even though I was shocked by her rude frankness and it made me angry...inside I shattered. I literally crumbled like a stale sleeve of saltine crackers because she...a complete stranger just validated what I already feared the most. I was a horrible mother and even a stranger could see that.

I didn't say anything to the lady. Tears were already beginning to overflow and I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing it. I just brushed past her without mumbling a word and I didn't look back.

I cried the whole walk home. I didn't care that people were looking. Once we got inside I was weeping...literally taking in huge breaths followed by uncontrollable sobbing. I couldn't stop it. Everything just came flooding out and out and out...Andrew, who had been throwing another little fit because he wanted to stay outside, suddenly stopped his crying and looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face. And that's when my huge epiphany hit...

Andrew toddled over to me balled up on the floor and gave me a big, unsolicited hug. He then grabbed my face in his chubby little hands and said, "Wipes?" He walked over to where I put some baby wipes on the couch and grabbed one. He brought it over to me and wiped my tears, after which he gave me a big kiss on the cheek. My sobs suddenly turned into laughter. Now where did he learn that? It certainly wasn't from grumpy old post office grandmas! I realized then, I mean REALLY realized, that I am always going to make mistakes. I'm not perfect. I wish that my mistakes didn't effect the ones I love but they do...they have and they will. BUT It's okay (can you believe it?) It's ok because even amongst the dirty path of failing there is still some sun that shines through the trees. Even though I am not the perfect mother to Andrew I realized that I can still do some things right and he knows that he is loved, and I know I am.

Regardless of temper tantrums (his and mine).

There is more to this little story but it's personal and I don't really want to bore you. This is already a lengthy post, indeed. But I will just say that I got some real understanding out of that experience. A new perspective and a completely different attitude.

Today Andrew had a two hour tantrum because he didn't want me to put his clothes on. Two hours!!! But I didn't loose my temper once, I stayed completely, genuinely calm and actually relished the opportunity to teach him. I was happy the entire day. No anger, no frustration, no pity-parties or self-doubts. I did the best I could and it wasn't perfect but you know what, that is fine. I'll do better. He'll do better. We are a team...we'll figure it out.

And you know what? The next time I hear those words of self-doubt echo in my mind, I'll just tell them that they remind of a miserable old hag I met once...and I have no place for that anymore.